Matthew 19:3-6 says, "Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

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We dream our whole lives of finding "the one" and living happily ever after with the person we've been praying for, God's gift to us. But, although marriage is truly a wonderful gift, it's also challenging and takes hard work. When we finally meet that special someone, we never think about the curve balls life will throw us. In the times when my husband and I have hit bumps, struggled to communicate, couldn't seem to get on the same page or things were hard, these books were transformational for our marriage.

Wherever you are in your marriage, whether newly married and deeply in love or married for 40 years in a seemingly loveless marriage, the lessons in these books are worthwhile. A quick disclaimer here: reading these books won't transform your marriage; applying the lessons you learn from them and working hard has the power to transform your marriage.

1 | Love & Respect

Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is based on the Bible verse: "each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).

This verse is often misconstrued and can be off-putting to many women so please allow me to explain. It's not that women don't have a voice or have to be submissive to their husbands every whim. It's more about honoring him for who God made him and for the simple fact that he is your husband. Yes, love and respect go both ways. Men also need love and women also need respect. It's just not the primary need. Would you, as a woman, want to be treated respectfully by your husband without love and tenderness? Here's an example to ponder. Let's say your husband comes home from work and is distant, possibly a bit cold but very respectful. How would you feel? Most women would feel like there was something wrong in their relationship. Not all, but most. Most women desire their husbands to be warm and loving in their tone, words and actions not merely respectful. Likewise, men desire to be admired by their wives just as they were during courtship not merely loved. That is what respect truly means in this verse. Somewhere along the way, we lose that starry-eyed look for our husbands. Life gets busy and chaotic, frustrations mount and next thing you know, everything about our spouse annoys us. If we're honest, don't we have to admit that's true?

The main premise of this book is that men and women speak different "languages." This idea is nothing we haven't heard before and it's certainly something we know empirically! But, his take on it is Biblical so we know it's right! It seems so clear and makes so much sense it's a wonder we couldn't see it ourselves. Women by nature are very loving and nurturing. Men by nature are protective and value respect. Dr. Eggerichs explains that God commands husbands to love because it doesn't come naturally to them; they have to work at it. Similarly, wives are commanded to respect because it doesn't come naturally to them; they have to work at it.

If you've ever tried learning a second language, you know how difficult it is; there are new sounds, alphabets, words, and grammar rules. Learning a new language as an adult comes with more challenges than we are young. Although we may work very hard at practicing this new language, we will always have an accent even if it's very slight. It's not that men are unloving, it's just not their first language. Just as we would be patient with someone trying to learn a new language, we must be patient with our husbands as they learn the language of love.

Do you know how gestures also mean different things in different parts of the world? Language is so much more than our words; it's our body language, our tone, our inflection. In the same way, the language of love and respect is much more than the words that are spoken. What is unspoken can be just as unloving or disrespectful in the eyes of our spouse. Wives, sometimes we believe that our husbands are strong and they can take a harsh word or a cold shoulder but the truth is that those actions wound them deep in their soul. They are as deeply affected by our perceived disrespect as we are by their perceived lack of love. Dr. Eggerichs states that when men are asked if their wives love them, they typically say "yes, of course." But, when asked if their wives respect them, most of them say "no, I don't think so." If we think about how hurt men are by disrespect, what does it mean that most husbands don't feel respected? Maybe our husbands are just as wounded as we are but don't show it in a way we clearly understand. In Love & Respect, Dr. Eggerichs outlines two important cycles that couples engage in.

• The Crazy Cycle. I'm sure you know it. It's the one where someone says something somewhat insignificant but the other is hurt or offended and next thing you know, a small disagreement has turned into a full-blown fight.

• The Energizing Cycle. This one takes effort. Wives respecting their husbands lead to husbands loving their wives and husbands loving their wives lead to wives respecting their husbands.

Paul says in Romans 7:17, "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." This is proof that our nature is easier to follow than what we know is right. Getting on and staying in the Energizing Cycle takes tremendous work. Dr. Eggerichs shares 6 tools for husbands and 6 tools for wives to help couples stay on the Energizing Cycle and enjoy happy, lasting marriages.

To help men remember what women need, Dr. Eggerichs uses the acronym COUPLE which stands for:

• Closeness - she wants you to be close

• Openness - she wants you to open up to her

• Understanding - don't try to "fix" her

• Peacemaking - she wants you to say, "I'm sorry"

• Loyalty - she needs to know you're committed

• Esteem - she wants you to honor her

To help women remember what men need, Dr. Eggerichs uses the acronym CHAIRS which stand for:

• Conquest - appreciate his desire to work and achieve

• Hierarchy - his desire to protect and provide

• Authority - his desire to serve and to lead

• Insight - his desire to analyze and counsel

• Relationships - his desire for friendship

• Sexuality - his desire for sexual intimacy

Each of these bullet points is the title of a chapter in Love & Respect. As you can see, at a glance, it's clear that men and women are indeed very different and speak very different languages. But, if we can remember what our spouse truly needs and learn to decode both the messages we're receiving and sending, we can have the thriving marriages we want.

2 | Getting the Love You Want

Dr. Harville Hendrix is a professor and therapist. After his own marriage failed, he was determined to learn everything he could about relationship therapy. With little information available back in 1975, he began researching and doing clinical observations until he "developed a theory of marital therapy called Imago Relationship Therapy" (Getting the Love You Want).

Dr. Hendrix discusses in Getting the Love You Want, how he discovered that "each one of us is compulsively searching for a mate with a very specific set of positive and negative personality traits." He explains that the brain stem, which he calls the old brain, is not our logical brain. It is the part of our brain responsible for "reproduction, self-preservation and vital functions." The old brain doesn't distinguish between people and relationships and "has no sense of linear time." Dr. Hendrix states that the old brain stores the memory of both the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers in childhood. Regardless of having experienced trauma or having a very nurturing and happy childhood, he says, everyone carries childhood wounds. According to Dr. Hendrix, the old brain selects a mate because they possess the same positive and most importantly, the same negative qualities of our caretakers in childhood. The reason for this is that the old brain is seeking for "the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage [we] experience in childhood." While this may be difficult to believe, Dr. Hendrix states that he has seen countless couples who corroborate this theory. In his experience as a therapist, he's observed that "we enter marriage with the expectation that our partners will magically restore [our lost] feeling of wholeness" which ultimately leads to our dissatisfaction at some point in our marriage.

In the book, Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Hendrix shares the exercises he uses with couples in his private therapy sessions. The most valuable lessons in this book are what we can learn about ourselves and how we interact with our spouse. Each exercise encourages self-reflection and helps couples return to an enjoyable and loving marriage.

3 | The Power of a Praying Wife

Have you seen the movie War Room? It's a great movie! The main character, Elizabeth, discovers that her husband is out to dinner with another woman. Not knowing what to do, Elizabeth breaks down and pleads with God for help. God answers her prayers. Her husband becomes ill and leaves alone. Isn't God amazing? As her marriage is on the brink of failure, Elizabeth meets Miss Clara who encourages her to turn to God and fight against the enemy for her marriage. The entire movie is centered around the astounding power of prayer. I found this video clip on YouTube; this is the moment when Miss Clara teaches Elizabeth about the enemy and the importance of surrendering her marriage to God. This is so powerful, it gives me chills!

Paul writes in Ephesians 6:12, "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." We have an enemy that comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) but God has given us the power to overcome the enemy (Luke 10:19). "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Corinthians 10:3-5).

So often, prayer is a last resort instead of our first response. We are in a spiritual battle for our marriages every day whether we know it or not. Our strongest weapon against the powers of the enemy is prayer. Shortly after watching War Room, I began intentionally praying for my husband.

I discovered a book called the Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian and I pray from it every morning for my husband. Earlier this year, I was running late for work one morning and was planning on skipping my morning prayers. I felt God give me a nudge and say, "You need to pray today." I quickly replied, "But, I don't have time, Lord. I'm running late!" And once again God said, "But, you need to pray." I decided I better listen. I chose to trust God to get to me to work on time and took a few minutes to pray before leaving the house. I opened the book, prayed for my husband's purpose and hurried off to work. Later that evening, my husband arrived home a little down from work. He told me, over dinner, that he was having a rough time and just didn't know what his purpose was. I couldn't believe it. God knew that my husband needed that prayer. I'm so thankful that God nudged me to pray before leaving the house.

Since then, I make it a point to pray daily for my husband. The book consists of 30 prayers which cover just about every area in which my husband needs prayer. Some prayer topics include his work, finances, affections, temptations, fears, choices, health, protection, trials, integrity, reputation, priorities, relationships, fatherhood and much, much more. Stormie also wrote the Power of a Praying Husband from which my husband diligently prays each morning for me as well. It has more prayers; some similar and some distinctly for women.

Prayer is so powerful. Through these prayers, I have become a better wife and an overall better person. Not only because of my husband's prayers but also through the act of praying for him. I have been blessed with the opportunity to see God working in our hearts and in our marriage. There were areas that my husband was struggling in and I had no idea. But, through these prayers, he's been set free. If you do nothing else, I encourage you to pray for your husband and your marriage. God will make miracles happen right before your eyes.

If you are ready to start fighting for your marriage in prayer, I'd love to send you the prayers I wrote. I put together a collection of 10 prayers including a powerful prayer for marriage. Just click the link to sign up and I'll send them to you right away! I truly believe that prayer changes everything. I know that God is faithful even when we haven't been.

I pray that these books will give you new knowledge and renewed strength to fight for your marriage. I am excited for you because I know that God is powerful and He will fight your battles for you. "For the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory” (Deuteronomy 20:4).

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